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Hello Reader,

Today's question is from "Elena age 34”:

Relationships are hard, especially when issues around money come up.

Having conversations about finances requires patience, compassion, and strategic planning. Here's how you can address the issue while staying on good terms:

Honor your feelings

Whether you're feeling bothered, annoyed, or worried about your financial predicament, your feelings are valid. Take a moment to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. Acknowledging your feelings will help you process them so you don't become reactive with your partner.

Some ways to process your emotions include:

• Journaling
• Drawing
• Taking a walk
• Venting to a friend

Once you've felt through your feelings, you can address the situation with a clear head.

Set clear boundaries

Boundaries are a good way to set limits that protect both you and your partner. Setting boundaries isn't about telling your partner "no" or not wanting to help them. It's about understanding your limitations and clearly stating what works and what doesn't work for you.

Some boundaries you could set include:

• Not lending money until the previous amount is paid back
• Not lending more than $50
• Not lending money at all

Some phrases you can use to set those boundaries include (adjust them for your voice and tone):

• "I'm not in a position to lend money right now."
• "I'd like to know how you plan on paying me back if I lend you the money."
• "I love you, but I'm not comfortable giving away that money."
• "I'm prioritizing my savings right now, and I can't lend you the money."

Set a time to talk about money

Talking about money can be uncomfortable for many people, so you don't want to spring the topic on your partner without warning.

You may feel tempted to question him about his spending while sharing a Carbonara for dinner. Likewise, you may feel the urge to secretly log into his banking app but that won’t solve your problem.

Instead, try talking about your own money goals and how you're budgeting this month. If you show a little vulnerability and openness, your partner might do the same.

You can also set up a time to talk to him specifically about money or weave money topics into general conversations. For instance, if you start talking about his childhood, you can ask what he learned about money growing up or how his parents managed money.

Eventually, you can communicate that you’d like to find some time to sit down and talk about finances. With a better understanding of how your partner views and manages money, you can see why he might be asking you for money.

Create balance in the money dynamic

It doesn’t feel good when you lend someone money and they don’t pay you back. To dismiss this uncomfortable feeling, you might be tempted to let it go or tell yourself he’ll pay you back when he can. Yet ignoring his debt can lead to resentment.

Try gently bringing up the topic of repayment. Remind him that you would like an idea of when he'll pay you back so you can better plan your finances.

Likewise, if he can’t pay you back right away, you can work out other arrangements. Perhaps he buys groceries for the next two weeks or makes some repairs around the house to make up for the money.

The key is to find a repayment plan that works for both of you.

Prioritize and protect your financial goals

It's very common, especially for us women, to put others before ourselves. We can even go as far as to sacrifice our wants and needs to help the ones we care about.

However, we're here to remind you that your financial goals matter. Whether you're trying to pay off debt or start investing, you shouldn't let anything or anyone stop you from achieving your goals.

If you notice that you're not able to save or that you're putting some financial goals on hold because you're lending him money, it might be time to put some boundaries in place.

It's okay to say no

If you're starting to notice a pattern of borrowing and not returning the money, then you can simply say no. Even if you do have the money, it's still okay to say no. It's your money and you worked hard for it, so you can determine what to do with it.

Nobody likes to hear no, so it can be helpful to follow your "no" with a question asking if there is any other way you can help him. If he’s having job troubles, you can help him put together a resume or help him sell his unused items for extra cash.

Watch for red flags

Setting boundaries and saying no are important, yet they can still cause tension. Be mindful of how your boyfriend reacts. If you notice that he’s starting to pressure you or make you feel guilty, that might be a sign of a deeper issue.

Remember you’re in this together!

Navigating finances is challenging as an individual and as a couple. However, it’s important to remember that when you’re in a relationship, you’re a team.

View your situation from the perspective of how you and your boyfriend can work together. When you address concerns in a collaborative rather than combative way, you’re more likely to find solutions.

Approach the situation with compassion, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, and everything will work out.

And if you need someone to talk about relationships and money, you can talk to one of our financial coaches to help you work through any other money-related issues.

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📺 On YouTube

Check out this YouTube video on How to Manage Money in a Relationship!​

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Tune into the Clever Girl Finance YouTube channel for more great videos!

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📖 On the blog

• ​How to move on from a toxic breakup​
• ​What is financial intimacy in a relationship?​
• ​Be a proud female breadwinner: 5 Relationship tips​​

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​🎧 On the podcast

• ​Tips & tricks for sticking to your grocery budget​

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